This isn’t the first time I’ve realized the need to stop drinking. But this time feels different. It is the first time that I want to re-evaluate this part of my life and reconsider the need for it on a longer term basis. A lifestyle change. I’ve decided to give it 3 months and then, with a clear head and hopefully stable mental health, I can weigh my need for alcohol in my future. 3 months sounds like nothing, and in the grand scheme of things it is very minor – however it feels big for me and that is all that matters.
Social situations are going to be my biggest challenge. Social anxiety is real and in the past its been something that I have numbed with booze. I had a date last night. Usually, awkward and anxious me would look forward to having a couple of drinks before or during to cool my nerves. Last night we met and both shared non-alcoholic cocktails before heading to a show. At the show I danced awkwardly through the night, slowly loosening up and letting my body feel the music.
Normally at shows I am half cut and the next day I reminisce about how fun the concert was (in actualization – I harbor blurry memories of the actual event). Instead, today I have crisp and clear memories of the evening. It felt authentic.
Normally, I would have had the (liquid) courage to swoop in and dance with my date. Instead the dance floor became a place of anxiety and I became hypsersensitive to my hand brushing her back side as I awkwardly tried to dance next to her. Instead of feeling down about my discomfort on the dance floor I am holding onto the fact that if i was drunk I wouldn’t have had the same experience. For example, the electric brush against my date as I danced beside her, and those nervous butterflies in my belly as I walked her to her car and said goodbye. I reflect and am grateful for the authentic connection and memories made.
A Sober Self 